where i belong

Okay folks, pull up the spotify, the pandora, whatever floats your boat. Search for Switchfoot "where I belong" start playing it and then proceed to read this post hahahaha. Or just read and laugh because that was a cute way to start.

No seriously though, this past Tuesday (I LOVE TUESDAYS) I was Blessed by an awesome friend Renee to go to "Tour de Compadres" featuring Colony House, Drew Holcomb & the Neighbors, Switchfoot & Needtobreathe. It was such an amazing experience I decided it deserved a blog post all it's own. I also waited a day or two so I could give this post the time and attention it deserves.

Oh man get ready for my cheesiness.

We first arrived at Wolftrap with plenty of time. We hit the loo, got some food, no drinking this evening, just some girl time. We stopped by merchandise and I wanted just about everything, got one shirt and decided I'd come back a little later. Good decision over all I think. We then made our way into the theatre to find that our seats WERE FLIPPEN AMAZING. Third row, center. I kid you not. The pit literally had seats. We could not have asked for better. Again RENEE is awesome.

First up was Colony house, my first impression of them was at the merch booth where I fell in Love with one of their t-shits, sadly by the end of the evening I had purchased to much so it didn't make it home with me but way to go for creative ranks. These did an excellent job. It takes a lot of guts to come on stage in front of soooo many that don't know you and really want the next band to play. The first thing I noticed was their stage presence. I must say through out the entire evening every band had AMAZING stage presence, but  Colony House was the first and I was pleased. Good looking guys, great sounding music, and they are passionate, you can feel through their faces and I really look forward to what they come out with next.

Second was Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors. This dude and his suit and his beard. I felt hot just looking at him, but not ONCE did I see it affect him. He had such composure through out his performance. He KILLED IT DUDE. I can describe his voice in two words soo accurately... "Beautifully Haunting" I couldn't help but run to the merch table later that night a buy some Vinyl by him, yes Vinyl, I can't think of a better way to play a voice that golden.

Then this was the moment when it all became so surreal. I don't know about you, but the movie "A Walk to Remember" was like a STAPLE in my teen years, it might just be the soundtrack I've listened to the most, ever. On repeat. For years. I know all the songs. Every word. Obsessed much? More like obsessed with Love stories but this one was the movie that started it all. That sound track being mostly made up of incredible Switchfoot songs, which over the years have remained classics and allowed the band to make even more wonderful moments a long the way.

They played all the good ones, the crowd was in Love every moment, a one point they asked for all the lights to turn off and everyone hold up their cell phones (hello modern day lighter tribute) I swear, time stood still. Wolf trap is such a gorgeous theatre already, but with thousands of twinkling lights, it was breath taking.

Another point in the show they abandoned their instruments and huddled together and just jammed. I kid you not. They jammed 5 feet in front of me, I felt like maybe I was in their basement on a friday night after a long week. Just a couple of best friends, doing what they Love.

They were everything I thought and more. They were real, they were humble, they were grateful, they were good. They had so much heart in their performance. They were HAPPY to be there with us, They were happy we came. They were happy God Blessed with this night. You could see it. You could feel it. You could taste it in the air.

I could go on and on about Switchfoot but in all reality they were not the headlining band. They were in my brain but Needtobreathe had yet to come on. I ran to get more merch at this break and make it back in time to be put in awe...yet again. How many times for this evening? I lost count.

Needtobreathe literally sounded liked we were listening to a CD. They were flawless. They seriously are sooooo incredibly talented and give all the glory to God and I swear they deserve everything they get and more. They had a BEAUTIFUL show. It was sooo fun. They had TWO drummers,  they pulled two members of Colony house to play with them the entire set. You get the feeling that this tour, when they are not performing, they are truly bonding as friends and building relationships between on another. I felt so honored to be in their presence just for an evening. The lights, the dress attire, the passion. I couldn't help but constantly notice the smile each of them wore. It was beautiful to witness.

It was also beautiful on my ears. If you have never give them a listen, please take a moment and do so, in fact do so for everyone I have mentioned tonight. You will be thanking me later.

The show came to an end like all shows must do and like most concerts there was an encore. I have to admit at this point I was pretty tired, super sweaty, and just happy & content. However, what was about to occur, I will NEVER forget.

First comes Needtobreathe... walking on stage to endless screams, bravos and woohoos, But as they start to play, Switchfoot walks on, they slowly start to join, and then Drew Holcomb, the Neighbors, Colony house, soon we have a full on jam session with the ENTIRE TOUR ON STAGE. I'm totally serious folks. I actually feel like I have a lack of words to describe what an experience it was. Again I just felt so Blessed and honored to be a part of the moment. Just some good ole friends, jammin out and doing what they Love.

You know what I took away most from that moment was? The amount of Gratitude I could see on the faces of the performers. We often forget that they are just people too. People like you and me who had their dreams come true. I saw one of them say "oh my goodness" multiple times looking out into the crowd at that moment, a few looked close to happy tears. When gratitude is palpable in a situation like that it fills me up. Good people deserve good things and I couldn't help but think in this moment that everyone on that stage deserved this Blessing. God was in the room with us, there was Love, there was talent, there gratitude and there was grace.  It will always be a night I will never forget, and if any of the band members ever see this, I hope they know I say thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting us be a part of that moment, and thank you for savoring it just as much.

until next time folks, over and out.

Big decision

Since I was 19 years old I made a decision to get sober and clean. I have spent the last 7 years of my life this way. I have been a part of 12 step programs that have not only transformed my life but the lives of many people that I Love. 

The amount I have learned through this chapter in my life has been invaluable. I know for a fact it saved my life, helped me grow and helped me become the woman I am today. I am forever grateful. 

With that said, for a long time now I have been thinking very hard about leaving the program. If you have ever been in the program you know that these are "bad thoughts", they are negative thinking, addiction speaking for you, and dangerous. We are trained to think these things over & over again. Knowing this, when I had officially made my decision to leave, I knew how hard it would be to let those in the community know how I feel without also knowing they are thinking only sadness for me. Sad I gave up, sad I didn't recommit, sad I am going down that road.

It hurts to be honest. To know that everyone you care about doesn't trust that you trust how you're feeling. That you trust the decision you are making, that you did not make it on a whim, that you did not make it easily at all. It's probably been on of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make actually.But even more reason why I know what I chose, is how I truly feel. What I truly want. Despite how I feel I know some are hurt so this post is in hopes to explain, or heal. 

Being clean stopped being about being clean for me and started being about doing it for others, I stayed clean because these people wanted me to, because those people looked up to me. Because I still wanted these people in my life. Because of the achievement which I at the time felt like I had not achieved much else in life. Being clean was my identity. 

First off, never do anything for someone else if it is not being true to yourself. I have learned from the program itself that self care comes first. Just like in the airplane, put the oxygen mask on yourself before your child. I firmly believe this, so if I'm only staying clean for others how is that doing what's right for me? Second, if the people in the program who I dearly Love don't want to be in my life if I make this decision, well then I'm truly better off. I want people in my life who will support me being happy. However that may look. My only Achievement? That's a laugh, I have numerous bounds and leaps I should be extremely proud of and grateful to share. And Lastly, being clean is NOT my identity.

I AM DESIRAE and God & I choose what my identity is. Not you, not a book, not a pamphlet, not a program. God and I make a decision on what the kind of person he wants me to be, and I work my butt off to get there. I don't want to be labeled by anyone or anything that's just Desirae. I am what I choose to be, and I'm tired of caring what you think about it. 

I spent soooo much of my life caring what other people think about me, it made me miserable. Doing things, only to be liked which in turn only made me not like myself even more.

The things I've learned in my more recent aging is that I have nothing to feel bad about myself for. I have nothing to be regretful and I honestly should actually be quite proud of myself. I am a strong, smart, beautiful, funny, goody, caring, Loving, passionate, super cheesy, awesome woman. I have over come so much, I have learned immensely and I am always always ready to learn more because I know for a FACT, I still don't know much. I am ready to learn forever. 

My mom wants me to be happy, the program isn't making me happy anymore. It just makes me feel bad about myself. I don't make enough meeting, I don't work enough steps, I don't reach out enough, I don't make events enough. I'm sorry but I really don't want to be a part of something that causes me to feel guilt in anyway. I am not willing to sign up for that today.

With all this said, I will say that 12 Step Programs save lives, I am proof. I in no way have any ill will towards it. It saved my life, it saved the lives of sooo many I Love and  I am in awe of the life changing miracles it creates daily. 

It has served it's purpose in my life today.  I am ready for the next chapter.

I know it all sounds so serious to some when it shouldn't be a big deal or doesn't sound like I am taking it serious enough to others but here's the thing...I don't plan on running to the ABC, I don't plan on buying a shot this weekend to celebrate. In fact I don't really see myself doing either. However I do see myself, making my own choices, if a glass of wine at dinner or a champagne toast comes around, then I GET to choose what I WANT to choose. The freedom in that is something I have not felt in a long time.

After I made the decision in my heart, I felt lighter, I really did. I am happy to see where this next phase goes, but I know wherever it does go, I'm gonna be okay. God has always got my back and always will.

I hope and pray that a lot of the people that I Love dearly in the program will still Love me in return. I know if I'm ever in trouble, if I'm ever lost or have a bad day, I can go to a meeting and be welcomed with Love. I truly believe in the good of the program and I hope that it still shows when I have chosen to walk my own path.

But again, either way, I'm gonna be okay. 

I appreciate you letting me share honestly here, it took a lot for me to right this because I wanted to show my gratitude as well as my decision. I wanted to let the masses know, without a bomb dropping. Please know I appreciate the time you took to read this and I appreciate you walking on this journey with me.

Here's to the next chapter, may it be a great one. 

p.s. sorry for the grammar mistakes in this one, just didn't have the edit button in me today.