Big decision

Since I was 19 years old I made a decision to get sober and clean. I have spent the last 7 years of my life this way. I have been a part of 12 step programs that have not only transformed my life but the lives of many people that I Love. 

The amount I have learned through this chapter in my life has been invaluable. I know for a fact it saved my life, helped me grow and helped me become the woman I am today. I am forever grateful. 

With that said, for a long time now I have been thinking very hard about leaving the program. If you have ever been in the program you know that these are "bad thoughts", they are negative thinking, addiction speaking for you, and dangerous. We are trained to think these things over & over again. Knowing this, when I had officially made my decision to leave, I knew how hard it would be to let those in the community know how I feel without also knowing they are thinking only sadness for me. Sad I gave up, sad I didn't recommit, sad I am going down that road.

It hurts to be honest. To know that everyone you care about doesn't trust that you trust how you're feeling. That you trust the decision you are making, that you did not make it on a whim, that you did not make it easily at all. It's probably been on of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make actually.But even more reason why I know what I chose, is how I truly feel. What I truly want. Despite how I feel I know some are hurt so this post is in hopes to explain, or heal. 

Being clean stopped being about being clean for me and started being about doing it for others, I stayed clean because these people wanted me to, because those people looked up to me. Because I still wanted these people in my life. Because of the achievement which I at the time felt like I had not achieved much else in life. Being clean was my identity. 

First off, never do anything for someone else if it is not being true to yourself. I have learned from the program itself that self care comes first. Just like in the airplane, put the oxygen mask on yourself before your child. I firmly believe this, so if I'm only staying clean for others how is that doing what's right for me? Second, if the people in the program who I dearly Love don't want to be in my life if I make this decision, well then I'm truly better off. I want people in my life who will support me being happy. However that may look. My only Achievement? That's a laugh, I have numerous bounds and leaps I should be extremely proud of and grateful to share. And Lastly, being clean is NOT my identity.

I AM DESIRAE and God & I choose what my identity is. Not you, not a book, not a pamphlet, not a program. God and I make a decision on what the kind of person he wants me to be, and I work my butt off to get there. I don't want to be labeled by anyone or anything that's just Desirae. I am what I choose to be, and I'm tired of caring what you think about it. 

I spent soooo much of my life caring what other people think about me, it made me miserable. Doing things, only to be liked which in turn only made me not like myself even more.

The things I've learned in my more recent aging is that I have nothing to feel bad about myself for. I have nothing to be regretful and I honestly should actually be quite proud of myself. I am a strong, smart, beautiful, funny, goody, caring, Loving, passionate, super cheesy, awesome woman. I have over come so much, I have learned immensely and I am always always ready to learn more because I know for a FACT, I still don't know much. I am ready to learn forever. 

My mom wants me to be happy, the program isn't making me happy anymore. It just makes me feel bad about myself. I don't make enough meeting, I don't work enough steps, I don't reach out enough, I don't make events enough. I'm sorry but I really don't want to be a part of something that causes me to feel guilt in anyway. I am not willing to sign up for that today.

With all this said, I will say that 12 Step Programs save lives, I am proof. I in no way have any ill will towards it. It saved my life, it saved the lives of sooo many I Love and  I am in awe of the life changing miracles it creates daily. 

It has served it's purpose in my life today.  I am ready for the next chapter.

I know it all sounds so serious to some when it shouldn't be a big deal or doesn't sound like I am taking it serious enough to others but here's the thing...I don't plan on running to the ABC, I don't plan on buying a shot this weekend to celebrate. In fact I don't really see myself doing either. However I do see myself, making my own choices, if a glass of wine at dinner or a champagne toast comes around, then I GET to choose what I WANT to choose. The freedom in that is something I have not felt in a long time.

After I made the decision in my heart, I felt lighter, I really did. I am happy to see where this next phase goes, but I know wherever it does go, I'm gonna be okay. God has always got my back and always will.

I hope and pray that a lot of the people that I Love dearly in the program will still Love me in return. I know if I'm ever in trouble, if I'm ever lost or have a bad day, I can go to a meeting and be welcomed with Love. I truly believe in the good of the program and I hope that it still shows when I have chosen to walk my own path.

But again, either way, I'm gonna be okay. 

I appreciate you letting me share honestly here, it took a lot for me to right this because I wanted to show my gratitude as well as my decision. I wanted to let the masses know, without a bomb dropping. Please know I appreciate the time you took to read this and I appreciate you walking on this journey with me.

Here's to the next chapter, may it be a great one. 

p.s. sorry for the grammar mistakes in this one, just didn't have the edit button in me today.