been awhile

I haven' have a lot of time to focus on things I want to do lately, one of those things being writing. But all the same it's a part of me and since I don't have an exact "following" at this point yet, I figure a post late or not is still a chance for me to write.

Cathartic release.

Work has picked up, so busy I don't have much time during the day to do much else. I guess that's what work is supposed to be like in general but man, it's a lot of work ;) on top of that work load my boss and I have not been seeing eye to eye 100%. This would not be too bad if it weren't for me feeling like I'm being thrown under a bus. But I am a strong woman, I know my worth and I am hanging tough, while actively looking for other employment. I'll keep you posted on that front.

As for self care, well, I have been slacking. This past weekend I had a rather HORRIBLE experience while out with my boyfriend. Someone at the bar (I know what a great place to find solid opinions, but still) said something really horrific about me. To be honest it may have been the lowest I have ever felt about myself. I took that moment and learned from it however. Don't get me wrong I spent all of Saturday sad, I literally was on the verge of tears multiple times. Words are knives my friends, those scars don't fade. But after having my moment to wallow, I decided to make them EAT their words. I would use that hurtful nature as fuel to my fire of doing better for myself. Since that night I have been on a much better path of self  care and care of others.

I don't get why people are mean like that, anytime I have been straight forward mean, it ate me up, EVEN if I was in the right. Some people though? They thrive off that, and that's terrifying to me. All I can think of is you must not be feeling very good on the inside to make someone else feel that bad on the outside and if that's true, than I just need to pray for you. It never pays to put someone down. We all do it enough for ourselves. I know I sure do. You don't have to tell me where I lack, what mistakes I made, they scream in my head all the time. I don't need reminding of my failures, I live with those scars.

Living with scars is one thing, reopening wounds though, or holding on to all the hurt that's another. As I get older, I want more and more to turn all the struggle & pain into something more.

I always Loved the scene at the end of the movie "8 Mile" where Eminem has to go first in the rap battle ( the one thing you don't really want to do) so instead of feeling defeated that he has to go first, he lays EVERYTHING out on the table. Every character defect, every failure, every time he got F'd over and then he hands the mic to the competitor saying "tell them something they don't know about me". It was BRILLIANT. He owned his flaws, you couldn't touch him in that moment.

I want to own myself more, to be grateful for the journey I am on, the body I was given and the struggles I have put it through. This is why self care is something I need to focus on more and more, which I intend to do. I need this focus as well so that the next time someone at a bar, or the place, or that phone, says something so off base, it can't touch me. Because first of all, it's fabricated and second of all, I know Desirae, you can't touch her like that.